Empaths and extra sensitive adults may find this info useful. Parents with sensitive children also can find it helpful. Regular people can also benefit understanding and overcoming relationship conflict: victim-rescuer-abuser.
How I Played Victim-Rescuer-Abuser Roles?
As a Rescuer, I desired praise. So, I give away my power in relationships to the other person. I desired being recognized.
I felt alone in my family. This feeling of aloneness persisted for about 60 % of my life. As an adult, I believed I needed to take care of myself as I had in my birth family. Being a sensitive child, I retreated inside myself to survive. I keep all thoughts and feelings to myself. My mother told later in life that she thought I was okay because I never said otherwise.
I showed up as a dyed in the wool rescuer. In addition, I believed myself flawed: low intelligence, lowest self-esteem and incapable of loving. I needed to fix myself by always studying and improving myself. This meant on a intellectual, emotional and spiritual levels.
As a Rescuer/Enabler, I desired praise. So, I give away my power in relationships to the other person. I feared saying what I thought and felt. Most of all I wanted to be seen and heard as I felt invisible in my family. I desired being recognized.
I allowed women to berate and criticize me for my lack of ability to know what I felt inside. My inner child blamed and beat upon himself. Unconsciously, I functioned as a full-blown codependent. In relationships, I paid credit cards and took out loans for cars for the person. I also looked after the person’s physical needs and give them a place to live.
As a Rescuer I assisted as chief caretaker, a constant “doer and a “fixer.” Like an addict my inner child got a temporary hit; a brief feeling of satisfaction for doing well.
Rescuer-Victim Roles
I learned the roles of rescuer and victim well. From a young child to well into middle age, I persisted in these roles. I carried a lot of repressed anger also. Throughout my life in the victim role I alternated between being in the “victim pit” or anger. Anger represents the other polarity of victim. Anger abuses when inflicted on a partner.
As an adult I took on the role of a “doer.” I accepted the codependent pattern of always wanting to fix others. I accepted the role of Rescuer and savior. Lacking self-love, I got a “fix” from helping the women in my relationships.
In my major codependent pattern, I always wanted unconsciously for the woman to tell me what a great job I had done. I gave money, cars, took on debt, provided food and shelter when the women in my relationships. I also sacrificed thousands of dollars in my association with men.
I had 4 major relationships with women lasting about 3 years each. In 3 relationships, I existed in a state of basically numbness. I feared being vulnerable and expressing feelings. I took on the Victim role. My partners fell into Perpetrators/Critics blaming me for my lack of expression. In truth, these women had little skill in being vulnerable. They seldom expressed their feelings aside from frustration and anger.
In my second relationship, a few months of hypnosis finally give me strength and the courage. I requested the woman to move out. I had provided for all her living needs for 3 years.
With the third relationship, I keep being the Rescuer. I wanted the woman to become healthier physically. She had experienced the victimization of severe physical abuse from her previous husband. She introduced me to the concept of codependency recovery and inner child healing. This benefited me greatly.
I fell into the 4th, relationship with no physical attraction what so ever. I believed we had a common service goal of creating a healing institute.
This woman had been severely mistreated by a narcissistic mother. On the outside she presented as a successful career woman. On the inside, she had an extreme fragile self-esteem. As Persecutor she blamed and criticized a lot.
Through overcoming victimization, I learned to begin to say “No.” I set healthy boundaries, to know my needs and nurture/self-care for myself.
Michael David Lawrience is the author of Emotional Health: The Secret from Drama, Trauma, and Pain His book provides ways to improve emotional health, ease pain and, stress, heal physical and emotional abuse, and spiritual awakening. See the book on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Health-Secret-Freedom-Trauma/dp/0615479170
I wrote this book as a legacy of my inner emotional and spiritual journey of self-growth. I teach people how to heal trauma and transform consciousness.
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I learned the roles of rescuer and victim well. From a young child to well into middle age, I persisted in these roles. I carried a lot of repressed anger also. Throughout my life in the victim role I alternated between being in the “victim pit” or anger. Anger represents the other polarity of victim. Anger abuses when inflicted on a partner.