Men Stopping Violence: Communicate With Your Teenage Daughters and Women
Men Stopping Violence: Do you, like most men, seek to be understood rather than understand your daughters and women?
What training do you have that enables you to really listen and understand another person?
Like most of us you probably have little or no communication training. You want to stress your point. Did you know 80% of communication lies in nonverbal cues, 15% in tone, and only 5% lies in the actual words? Do you focus only on the words and miss the meaning completely?
Do you listen with the intent on what you will say back? Do you filter everything you hear though your own life experiences and want to share them? For example, I had a similar thing happen to me.
Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. Stephen R. Covey, author The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Men Stopping Violence: Do You Tend to Respond By:
2. Asking probing questions – interrogating
3. Giving advice or wanting to fix the problem
4. Talking about your own experiences
If you listen and communicate with the any of the above responses, you probably experience communication difficulties. If you have a daughter(s), communication usually decreases even more as your daughter becomes a teenager.
1. Your daughter wants to spend more time alone in her room or with her friends.
2. She gets upset when you explain or give her advice.
3. She gives you a blank stare.
4. She goes out/sneaks out and lies about her activities.
On the other hand, your daughter may say:
Why do you ask me so many questions about what I am doing?
You only talk to me when I do something wrong.
You’re always lecturing me?
You’re always telling me what I should do.
How do we understand a rebellious teenage daughter, a wife or women in general when they only want to express their feelings rather than us fixing them? Remember seek first to understand. So how do we as men learn to understand?
Everyone wants to be validated. They want their experiences and feelings confirmed and supported. They want to know that you as a man or father see and feel them. They want to know that you affirm them at the deepest level of their being; you really get who they are with all their joy, pain, flaws and strengths.
Men Stopping Violence: How Do We Learn to Listen to Validate?
First remember 80% of communication lies in nonverbal body language. Listen and observe nonverbal cues. Use your intuition or inner knowing and go deeper beyond the words. What do you sense that may be unexpressed that even your daughter has no awareness? Perhaps it is pain, confusion, conflict.
Become aware of wanting to agree, disagree, interrogate, fix the problem or talk about your own experiences. Stop! These types of habitual responses shut down communication. It takes time to change and form a new habit. Now instead of being the fixer or interrogator keep listening and accept whatever your daughter says.
Know your sole purpose lies in your daughter feeling like you really hear her. Look for or sense the nonverbal cues. Perhaps you see a body shudder or a tear. For example, you sense hurt. You could respond by saying, I see what your boyfriend did really hurt you. This type of response validates.
Note: Accepting how your daughter feels has nothing to do with whether you agree with her behavior or not. You may disagree with your daughter going out with the boyfriend. Validating her feelings has nothing to do with disagreeing, lecturing her or telling her she shouldn’t feel hurt or it will be okay.
Men Stopping Violence: Tips to Learn How to Validate:
To be able to validate means to listen actively. It means to listen to the meaning behind the words and feelings at a deeper level.
2. Be present physically and emotionally.
3. Listen without figuring out how to respond.
4. Allow your daughter to talk without interjecting with your past habitual answers.
5. Acknowledge your daughter’s feelings as you see, feel, or hear them.
6. Be accepting, patient, and non-judgmental. Accept your daughter’s uniqueness.
Validating may be enough for your daughter to continue talking. Sometimes you may need to ask questions like: I can see that really upset you; You look sad; Would you like to talk about it, etc.?
- When your daughter/woman begins to feel safe and validated she will more likely continue sharing herself.
- As we validate our daughters/women, they will release their feelings and solve their conflicts in a healthy way without us having to give them advice.
- As we mirror back feelings by becoming more attuned to nonverbal cues and deeper feelings, both we and our daughters/women feel more connected.
Note: Active listening to validate means giving up your habitual ways of responding. Ask yourself how well did your old ways work in the past? Active listening, as you can see, also isn’t paraphrasing or parroting back what has been said.
Active listening takes practice. It takes a minimum of 21 days to form a new habit. Find someone you trust, a friend, a partner or your wife, practice with them and have them let you know when they feel validated. Have them also stop you and give you feedback when you get into fixing, solving or advice giving. Then go back to validating.
When you feel ready begin active listening to validate your daughter. It will change the whole nature of your relationship.
Men Stopping Violence: Men How Do You Stop Violence by Learning to Communicate with Your Teenage Daughters and Women?
In the Avatar science fiction movie described as an emotional journey of redemption and revolution the natives, Na’vi, validate each other by saying, I see you. In other words, they say, I feel you, I see the love, your feelings, and your soul.
As a man and or a father you have the opportunity with daughters and women to:
1. Acknowledge strengths.
2. Hold up the mirror of acknowledgement saying at a deeper level, I see and feel you.
3. Awaken awareness of unknown qualities.
4. Build self-esteem and self-empowerment.
5. Build connection and self-respect.
When a teenage girl or a woman has been validated over and over again over a period of years, I believe she will be less vulnerable and subject to physical, emotional and mental violence and violation. She will be less likely to enter into or stay in abusive relationships because of her higher self-esteem; the gift you as a father or man have given her from your caring and love to keep her safe and secure.
Eve Ensler, in the video below, talks about the girl self in both men and women which has been taught to suppress itself. She tells stories of girls around the world who have overcome adversity and violence to discover their strength as a girl.
Men Stopping Violence Part 2 https://www.emotionalhealthtips.com/men-stopping-violence-2/
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Michael David Lawrience is the author of His book provides ways for improving emotional health, easing pain and stress, healing physical and emotional abuse, and spiritual awakening.
Michael as a Residential and Self-Esteem Coach and Mentor has over 13 years experience teaching teens self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-reliance. See eBook https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B009L4JLMO
Michael offers Bowen Therapy in person in Sedona, Arizona for easing physical and emotional pain. https://www.emotionalhealthtips.com/bowen-therapy-sedona/
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