Without knowing, in our families we wanted to maintain balance of some kind. We unconsciously adopted certain roles created by rules such as “don’t talk about the family problems.”
In dysfunctional families the roles we took on tended to be unhealthy because of alcohol or drug addiction, physical or sexual abuse, or extreme aggression by a parent. We fell into these roles as a way to reduce stress and emotional pain. As a result our self-esteem – our degree of confidence in ourselves suffered.
As children, we may have believed we caused the problems. We choose our different roles to survive the best way we know how.
What role or roles did you assume in your family? We can take on different roles at different times.
Six Main Roles in a Dysfunctional Family:
Addict - addicted to alcohol, drugs, physical or sexual abuse. The addict because of unresolved emotional pain probably has very low self-esteem. They use addictive behaviors to numb their pain.
Caretaker – enables the addict by avoiding confrontation and wants to control or manipulate and keep everyone happy. The caretaker ignores their own needs to take care of everyone else. The caretaker seeks feeling better about themselves – a boost of self-esteem – by doing things for others.
Hero – They achieve success on the outside and make the family look good. This is the student with high marks, the football star, or the popular girl. The hero gets their self-esteem from positive attention outside themselves. They may feel inadequate inside.
Clown – make jokes, sometimes inappropriate to ease tension. The clown may feel the family shame or anger. They suffer the butt of negative attention which they seek. Negative attention decreases self-esteem.
Scapegoat – acts out tension or anger that the family wants to ignore. The family holds up this child as the cause of problems while ignoring the real family issues. Again because of negative attention this child suffers low self-esteem.
Lost Child – withdraws and becomes invisible so as to avoid creating problems. The lost child may experience depression, lack of trust, and very low self-esteem.
How did your role(s) in your family affect your self-esteem?
How to Shift From Dysfunctional to Functional Family Roles:
- Change the rules to begin to heal family emotional issues.
- Express without fear.
- Have your feelings and needs accepted.
- Set healthy personal boundaries.
How to Rebuild Your Self-Esteem:
- Addict – Begin feeling the pain. The only way out is through. Heal your codependency, wounded inner child, and the wound in your soul.
- Caretaker – Learn what your needs are. Begin to nurture yourself first. Become aware of your feelings and begin to express them. Set healthy personal boundaries by saying “No.”
- Hero – Overcome fear of rejection and failure by acknowledging and building on your inner strengths. Know perfection by doing your best and learning from mistakes.
- Clown – Develop healthy humor. Forgive your family and especially yourself.
- Scapegoat – Heal the blame and shame you choose to take on for your family. Develop your personal inner power.
- Lost Child – Build your self-esteem by learning to love yourself. Gradually learn to trust yourself and others.
Are you ready to rebuild your confidence and thereby your happiness and success in life?
Michael David Lawrience is giving away free 50-pages of his book, The Secret for Freedom from Drama, Trauma, & Pain. His complete book gives more ways to improve your emotional health, chronic pain management, emotional healing, stress release, and ways to heal your self-esteem.
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